Everywhere and No Where :
"I smoke and drink and drink and smoke like will it ever stop, but I think about a lot...like you and me and me being me and me not liking what I see..." -Pooch

Been gone a while, I've had time to myself...kindaaaaa.
My mind was really focused on uni, Hardly was socializing like that outside my class or specific group, going in early and coming home late. For our last module we had to create a performance of our choosing although we did have to use the elements of what we learnt in our other classes but majority of it you had full reign of.
When you're in a drama course especially, being in a group for three to four months, you're practically dedicated to your project, and in ways you actually forget what life is like outside this (thinking back), although I didn't have much life outside this but whatever, you're just researching for your performance, marking all the research into your book cause you need to evidence, creating new material, rehearsing...rehearsing....re...hear..sing.
For our performance we looked at women in prison, family and women in general who have had a rough life. We took inspiration from a woman named Sara kruzan, and then we picked two more women Cyntoia Brown and Aileen Wurnos. But mainly Sara, as she was a survivor of human trafficking and this resulted in her killing her pimp. Each of these women have had similar stories and they were all quite young when these situations happened, that intrigued us quite a lot. Each of us were heavily involved with the women we were researching on, although we created our own characters, we adopted the mannerisms, our behaviors, life before we even entered this 'space'. This 'space' which we initially had as prison was changed to an anonymous place where we were trapped together in a confined place, but yet still were everywhere, which represented anyone who was in this form of confined solitary, it can be a psychological and physical torment, for the women in prison it was both.  We had to play to these but also show that even though their life was behind these walls  or 'magical space' they in themselves were a community and that goes without saying for many who are locked up, there is a society that carries on beyond this one, there are just restrictions.
As for my character pooch/Payton, she is quite like a dog literally. In a way she's controlled yet harsh with the words she says and realistic, unlike the other women she doesn't play the 'imagination game' which the other women liked to play, she does see things past this, just the present. She's not a dumb girl yet not to the point of higher intellect, now that I think about her she plays on my mind. When you're acting you sometimes embody characters abit too much and I think we all did that, I know I was exhausted by the end of our project and I couldn't wait to sleep without dreaming about rehearsal or lines or movement. It takes over your world.
If I find a picture I'll put one up and show you. It's been a hell of a ride but in the end it opened my eyes to a side society that everyone turns a blind eye too.

My fro-story

Where do I start…oh yeah, ok. So I texturized and permed my hair I believe in year 5, back then my hair was extremely thick and would tangle so I rarely ever had it out, it was always braided or in some form of a style. I decided to make that decision to get my hair permed because it was a struggle in my eyes back then. I went to the hairdressers with my mum and I actually never knew I was getting it done till I saw my head feeling lighter when I came up from getting it washed, you know those ones when the water just locks in to your fro, well on this occasion my hair was straight. I’ve always had thick hair so that was never an issue in all honesty, but I wasn’t noticing that it was getting thinner as I used it more and more, my hair texture obviously changed and there would be times where it would break. Rolling on to secondary, I was still perming my hair, I had different hairstyles, I remember wanting a fringe and I think that’s what I liked about when I was younger is that I was a little less hesitant with different hairstyles than I am now. I cut that fringe up and shaped it, had a side fringe, straightened my hair damn near every day, coloured it, mainly just lighter browns.  There was a point where it was breaking off quite badly and my said it needs to be trimmed, to my surprise my hairdresser cut it to the nape of my neck and I was moaning all over the place to my friends to my mum, I was mad. But ironically I like short hair now.

Now the natural movement has always been around, but when I was younger I hardly saw it and although my mum turned natural a couple years before I did, I still wasn’t fazed by doing that with my hair, until I finished my a levels. I was getting sick and tired of basically putting this sh!t in my hair, I actually was just getting fed up to be honest, I was being a lot more conscious of certain things and I really liked seeing these women with their hair being curly and full of life. I always thought that natural hair almost tells a story of each individual, you just don’t know what they’ve been through. So, University 2013, I started and had a good set of people around me, and I remember me having weave in at that time, and I thought that’s it I’m done with perming. I was on a new journey myself and I was excited doing this for myself, that same night I looked under the bed and saw a perm box and I just threw it out. No need for the unnecessariness, and I don’t want my hands to go wondering and going back to square one, but when I do something I usually stick to it.

I watched a lot of YouTuber’s with natural hair, and I still do. Just to try and get the basis of being a part of this movement which I’ve been out of since the age of 9 or 10. And now I was 18 going on 19. It must have been a couple months into being natural and I was seeing an extreme difference, the roots obviously were reverting back and I was almost liking it, but I had the permed tips. It was hard, a lot of people might not understand it but it’s an of transition from something that you think you can easily fix to something that is almost out of the unordinary even though it’s all your hair. I just know I was a couple months in and my natural curl pattern had changed from when I was a child, and I was now feeling like new. I stood at my sink with a pair of scissors and I slowly but surely started to take off pretty much the majority of the permed dead ends and left these curls. Sink full of hair and a short hair. In a way I was semi lucky cause my hair always seemed to grow back to the length it originally was. It probably was shorter than when I got it cut at the hairdressers and that was all done by my hands, and I was happy about that, cause it was a step forward.

I’ve coloured it twice since it’s been natural, which is a risk obviously. I know I’ll end up colouring it again at some point but not for now. But it is hard work at times because I wasn’t really committed in the beginning to much, but more recently I’ve been a lot more nurturing towards it, making sure I detangle it, wash it and oil treat it every week. Oil my scalp every day, put it in a protective style or weave it, I’ve been on the ball.  There’s still some things I want to learn how to do properly with the right hair products for myself but that’s something I have to learn for myself. Although I’d like to probably do the wash and go I live in England London and the way the weather has been it’s just too risky, wet hair + cold= illness. I know already I have some downfalls to my hair journey as the water in London is harsh but that’s not gonna stop me cause my goal is waist length.

I’d say for anyone who wants to make the change that there is nothing wrong with doing something that is right by you, if this is the journey that you want to take then so be it, patience is key and shrinkage is real.

It’s my fourth year and I’m not looking back.

 

Sorry they're blurry...2016

 Knuckles

 
 
 
Share your story......
 
 
 
 

 

So I was thinking...

I thought about it a while back but I wasn't to sure, but I got asked about my hair by a nice woman when I was out shopping with my best friend. I'm personally going through my own fro-journey, hair journey, whatever you want to call it. I know a lot of girls want to know how to start or even if they should go down the route of being all natural, I am no I repeat NO hair care expert, I grew up with certain hair styles that are now called something else and all the different hair products just leave a sister *kattwilliamsvoice* Flabbergasted. It's a lot to take in. But this would be a nice way for me to know yours and for you to know my tips on hair and maybe we can help each other.
Truth is, I'm still learning, but if you want, you can read my next post and see why I decided to make the change of lifestyle and my other antics. This blog won't be purely based on natural hair, but I thought it would be a nice change of pace, so look out for my next post and as always, have a great day, wherever and whoever you are and don't be afraid to tell me about your hair experiences.


From,


Knuckles

Being at peace...

Probably a little more complicated than usual. Not everything is supposed to be simple that's life. I like the idea of things being a challenge and overcoming them, I guess that's a natural human instinct. When you're at peace it's another realm, something spiritually different. Like when I went through a couple hardships, I won't name them but the one thing I started doing was exercising and meditating, although I have to say my ass hasn't meditated in a long time, however, when I did it was a wonderful feeling of self love. My uncle once said he meditated to the point he saw his own spiritual body come out of his self and look at his being....ok, I have to say, I've never had that feeling but it was interesting to hear.
Removing negative entities in your world, yes, your world gives you a clear vision, maybe not to the route you want to get to, but at least the windscreen is clean.
Be happy about being alive, kicking and breathing. You'll have that much more happiness within yourself when you acknowledged the things you took for granted .

Do right by you.

Knuckles.

Letting the past be the past...

It's harder than it looks, trust me, I've had my fair share of moments being in my feelings over things that I shouldn't be.
I won't lie, It's not as easy as abc, there's always open wounds, that's something that can't heal up as quick as you think.

No matter how many times I kept saying I was all good and didn't have any problems and just shrugging at the fact that I myself was fine with losing friendships I wasn't.
The truth is I still feel hurt.
So for me in this case I like to put my feelings down on to paper. It's the easiest way. Maybe even drawing. We all like to hide the idea of ourselves being hurt and sometimes the best thing to do is to set the truth free. Why not write it in a letter, now if your brave you can send it (it probably depends what's in it), but usually you can write in a letter and not send it. 
Sometimes it's the best way to relieve you from the things that built up.
That being said, don't let things build up. You end up coming out with more problems that what you originally were arguing about, not necessary, talk it through, and even if shouting comes in to play (which I wouldn't suggest) it's still out in the open, listening, is key. Communication. Without that you haven't got anything.
Whatever happened last year will not stunt your growth this year, make a pact with yourself to not lose focus, grow and experience, in all honesty...I'm still new to this myself.

Knuckles

My first….

Club experience….don’t get it twisted….

Freshly in University and I was semi excited cause it was a new adventure for me and it must have been two months in I believe because it was near Christmas.. or maybe that was another time but anyway, we decided or let me rephrase that….my friends decided that we should go out to a club in Central London, my two friends live near campus and this was basically the first time for us all having our own sleep over, wow…. that sounds weird, but oh well.

The night started off, I had these heels, brat heels as my friend called them because they literally looked like something the brats would wear if you ever played with that toy, I took my fast self and bought them knowing I couldn’t walk in them. I’m 5’6 so I don’t really need it but it seemed different at the time. I have small ankles, so the strap needed another whole in it, naturally you would probably get a thin needle or something or pierce the whole with the buckle. No, not me. I took my friends big ass scissors thinking I was in control and just practically cut half the strap off. I had to look up at the ceiling like it was gonna give me the answers.

My friend and I oddly enough, saw something on YouTube about making a top out of tights, cheap as hell that what happens when you’re a student but anyway, we both ended up wearing these ‘tights top’….’top that’s tights’ you get what I’m saying, and I thought we looked good, took a couple pictures all four of us and then we headed out. The struggle started.

We took the wrong bus.

I’m sitting here laughing to myself, one of my friends sat downstairs, whilst the rest of us sat upstairs, I didn’t think it was right but during the journey I decided to go downstairs to check up on her. She ended up explaining the story about her going upstairs one time and she had shopping, and as her stop came I guess the bus was coming to a halt and as she made it near enough to the middle she dropped down the stairs-

“and that’s why Khadija, that is why I don’t go upstairs” I sat there rubbing my chin and then tapped her on the shoulder, this was a great start going to the club and hear this story….just…fantastic.

“I will even hold your hand, or I’ll stand behind you so if you drop I drop how about that”

“no I’m not coming up there”

So I was sort of stuck downstairs, I didn’t mind cause she’s such a sweet soul. Ok, so the bus stops and says it terminates here. My two friends come down the stairs struggling in heels. We get off the bus, I have that one friend who was turnt and I don’t mean drunk talking to the bus driver. Resulting her having an argument with the African man, although he was rude to say the least, but all we could do was laugh.

She came of the bus cussing. Still struggling I put on my heels and we walk to the centre of Trafalgar Square to meet up with someone else we go to University with and her friend. I never knew this but we had to pay to get into the club, so I had enough money on me anyway, but the others didn’t so we went to the cash point, there goes point number two that one friend who hasn’t got enough money, we all pitched in and handed her 5 pounds to get in, there we found a nice promoter….*sigh* flirting, kind words, and he was handsome. We ended up following him to the office where they sell tickets and all that, he said he’d be able to get us in to some other clubs, I think we took an offer but ended up going to the same club we were initially going to anyway. Skipping, skipping we went to the club it was ok, wasn’t great, came back out at probably 1.

Hell.

“you know what I’ma tell them about themselves-“ some other bits got lost in translation as we bolted for the reception of the promoters to the clubs in the square. I’m the friend that’s always tired and I was ready to go to bed. I’m sure people thought “look at these angry b*tches”

“I’m not being funny but I want my money back, it was crap and your man said it was going to be good and well-“

Here came the problem, my friend got into a mad argument with the woman behind the counter, people walking past like we crazy, promoters coming in trying to see what the fuss is, even one came in and tried and I mean he really tried to stop the argument.

“I’m not talking to you! you see me talking to this woman here do you see me having the conversation with you” I tell you this….my squad, was weak right now I won’t lie, we were genuinely weak!. I turned around, one was looking at pamphlets, PAMPHLETS!, the other one was about to choke this woman down and then the other interrupted by saying-

“I’ma about to throw up” and she ran out the office………….I…..I didn’t even know what was happening the team was falling apart so quick.

“What’s going on here?” a guy stood next to me and all I could respond with is.

“I have….no Idea…I just want some food and my pillow man”

“You!” who walks in the office at the right time, the promoter we spoke to.

“I told you guys it was a bad club you should of listened to me, what do you need you want to go to somewhere else” we couldn’t even do that, my friend called to say she was in KFC so we left in a hurry. Somehow we ended up in McDonalds after one of them had a hissy fit and said she wanted to sit down, another set of promoters walked up to us and asked us what we were doing tonight, and at the same time my friend yelled

“I’m tired! And my feet hurt!” and I swear on my life she walked into McDonalds like a child who just got sent to the naughty step, even the promoters looked at her like… ‘da’ f*ck’

“I’m sorry she aint from here, we gonna get her a happy meal she’ll be good” I sneaked past them and walked into the restaurant.

We ordered something to eat, whilst an old man gave the broke friend a rose. She still didn’t even look happy! I’m just laughing at the events that took place, it was just too….weird and I’m a person of comfort I like being at home. So we got the bus and headed back to my friends flat……..all I remember at the end of that night is me and the ill friend saying-

“Khad look at you and that big mac, just sitting there” I sat near the radiator sadly, eating this big mac that weren’t even big, and I think that was the most disappointing thing of the whole night. I…..well….yeah. It hasn't stirred me off clubbing, but it sure was an interesting night.

 

From knuckles.

 

 

There’s something different when you turn 21.

Recently my friends and I did a play for a group of year 9 girls. Obviously, I was one once upon a time, my friend face timed me and asked if I would help out. I’m pretty sure I asked her

“How do we even do this, I don’t even know how they act now” tell a lie, I know in some sense. However, there’s a limit. I know that there is a huge difference between when I was in secondary to now where the girls are a little more in tuned with life struggles than I was.

I was the good girl, always did my homework, always on time, always polite. I never really had a bad bone….probably not till I hit year 10 and 11, I was still a good girl getting the grades, but I was probably a little more comfortable with myself and my own mind.

“I don’t even remember some of the things I would even say at that time man” I said to Starr. We all explained what type of person we was back then, between the mischievous, and trouble makers I think that we ended up being near enough the same person we once was. Weird, we could be whatever we wanted and we near enough was the mirrored reflection of our former selves, and thinking about it we came a long way. All three of us never went to the same secondary schools, but none the less we had our separate experiences that carved our behaviour, I guess experiences is what carved our trail of thoughts.

I hope that we were able to at least speak to the year 9 girls that are heading off in this life and not knowing how quick it will come up on you. Maybe not today, not tomorrow or the week after that but you will think back at the situations that you came across at 13 or 14 and laugh, it’s a crazy place to be. Just don’t lose yourself on the path of pressure, that’s what it seems like society is leading people down nowadays. But you might not know that now, not to worry, plenty of time to learn.

From knuckles.